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Box 3, I just had the worst date


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So, I'm downtown on Riverstreet the other day dressed as a pirate hanging out with my friends. We went on a pirate tour dressed as pirates. Me, two of my friends, the tour guide (also a friend of ours) and some Australia chick who was hot.

Well, during the whole tour I spend my time hitting on this chick as a pirate. You know, doing stuff like "all hands to the poop deck" then grabbing her ass. I find out how long she was going to be in town (she leaves today) and what she was doing, if she had a free day or what. It was yesterday, Sunday.

Well, ok, so we set up a date. I figure I'll take her to Outback Steakhouse, you know, because she's Australian. Well, I pick her up from teh Holiday Inn express she's staying in which happens to be on the complete opposite ass side of town, and really hurts the gas tank with this damn illegal war in Iraq so Bush can do his daddy's work.

I get there, and she's wearing a fancy dress, while I'm wearing normal clothes. OK, who the hell walks around with a fancy ass gown when they travel to a different country? So, she and her mom give me a dirty look like I'm some sort of hobo. I tell her where we're going, and she makes some smart ass comment "oh, great, real Australian food."

We get to my truck, which is dirty, and missing pieces of paint. Window is scratched up, and I have to use a plastic knife to use one of my a/c vents. She acts like she's being asked to climb into a public toilet or something.

We get to the restaurant, and she complains that none of it is Australian. "Australians don't talk this way. Why does this place pretend to be Australian?" I should have turned around when I saw the gown. Damn it.

Well, the waiter comes by, takes our order, we sit there trying to have small talk, but it's mostly silence. Food comes and she eats with her hands. WTF? I can understand using the Bloomin' Onion and hands, but normal food? WTF? Use your damn silverware. What the hell do the ydo Down Under?

Guy brings the bill. I figure hey, she's leaving tomorrow, I"m never going to see her again. I tell her I thought it was a horrible date because of her. She freaks out! She starts screeching, and everyone stares. She gets up on the table, and kicks the food off the table. She takes off her shirt and reveals she's actually a giant cassowary! WTF? No wonder the date sucked!

She jumps off the table and starts tearing the crap out of people with her giant ass cassowary claws and people are just staring at me. They're giving me dirty looks and saying stuff like "how could that bastard treat her so poorly? He's got her so angry she's attacking people! what an ass!" I stand up and yell "run for your lives! She's a cassowary!" Some black woman shouts back "boy, don't you be no callin' her names. Evah stop'd toe thank maybe youse the cassowary? MMhmm. I ain't thank so."

Sum'ry: don't date Australian chicks if you're not in Australia.

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